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September 2021

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In You Do You: How to Be Who You Are and Use What You’ve Got to Get What You Want, anti-guru and author of Get Your Sh*t Together, Sarah Knight shares strategies on how to stand up for who you are and what you really want, need, and deserve — showing when it’s okay to be selfish, why it’s pointless to be perfect, and how to be “difficult.

“Stand up for who you are and what you want.”

You DO You—is about accepting your strengths and your flaws, whether those flaws are self-identified or just things that you’re perfectly happy about but that other people seem to have a problem with.

 ‘Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.’ – Marilyn Monroe

We live in a perfection-obsessed world where everyone has figured it out but the reality is that everyone is winging it and trying to figure it out. Perfectionism is at the root of our present age mental health crisis, with rising suicide rates, depression, and anxiety. According to a 2016 research study conducted by Thomas Curran (Department of health at the University of Bath, UK) and Andrew P. Hill (York St. John University, UK): self-oriented perfectionism, socially prescribed perfectionism, and other-oriented perfectionism have increased over the last 27 years.

Perfectionism is broadly defined as a combination of excessively high personal standards and overly critical self-evaluations (Frost, Marten, Lahart, & Rosenblate, 1990).

The poem “After a while” is mostly attributed to Veronica A. Shoffstall and a Spanish version attributed to Jorge Luis Borges.

After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t always mean security.

And you begin to learn
That kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman*
Not the grief of a child*

And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow’s ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight

After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
And with every day, you learn.

Aprendiendo by Jorge Luis Borges.

“Después de un tiempo, uno aprende la sutil diferencia entre sostener una
mano y encadenar un alma.

Y uno aprende que el AMOR no significa acostarse.

Y que una compañía no significa seguridad, y uno empieza a aprender ….

Que los besos no son contratos y los regalos no son promesas, y uno empieza
a aceptar sus derrotas con la cabeza alta y los ojos abiertos, y uno aprende
a construir todos sus caminos en el hoy, porque el terreno del mañana es
demasiado inseguro para planes … y los futuros tienen su forma de caerse
por la mitad.

Y después de un tiempo uno aprende que, si es demasiado, hasta el calor del
Sol puede quemar.

Así que uno planta su propio jardín y decora su propia alma, en lugar de
esperar a que alguien le traiga flores.

Y uno aprende que realmente puede aguantar, que uno es realmente fuerte, que
uno realmente vale, y uno aprende y aprende … y así cada día.

Con el tiempo aprendes que estar con alguien, porque te ofrece un buen
futuro, significa que tarde o temprano querrás volver a tu pasado.

Con el tiempo comprendes que sólo quien es capaz de amarte con tus defectos
sin pretender cambiarte, puede brindarte toda la felicidad.

Con el tiempo te das cuenta de que si estás con una persona sólo por
acompañar tu soledad, irremediablemente acabarás no deseando volver a verla.

Con el tiempo aprendes que los verdaderos amigos son contados y que quien no
lucha por ellos tarde o temprano se verá rodeado sólo de falsas amistades.

Con el tiempo aprendes que las palabras dichas en momentos de ira siguen
hiriendo durante toda la vida.

Con el tiempo aprendes que disculpar cualquiera lo hace, pero perdonar es
atributo sólo de almas grandes.

Con el tiempo comprendes que si has herido a un amigo duramente, es muy
probable que la amistad jamás sea igual.

Con el tiempo te das cuenta que aun siendo feliz con tus amigos, lloras por
aquellos que dejaste ir.

Con el tiempo te das cuenta de que cada experiencia vivida con cada persona
es irrepetible.

Con el tiempo te das cuenta de que el que humilla o desprecia a un ser
humano, tarde o temprano sufrirá multiplicadas las mismas humillaciones o
desprecios.

Con el tiempo aprendes a construir todos tus caminos en el hoy, porque el
sendero del mañana no existe.

Con el tiempo comprendes que apresurar las cosas y forzarlas a que pasen,
ocasiona que al final no sean como esperabas.

Con el tiempo te das cuenta de que en realidad lo mejor no era el futuro,
sino el momento que estabas viviendo justo en ese instante.

Con el tiempo verás que aunque seas feliz con los que están a tu lado,
añorarás a los que se marcharon.

Con el tiempo aprenderás a perdonar o pedir perdón, decir que amas, decir
que extrañas, decir que necesitas, decir que quieres ser amigo, pues ante
una tumba ya no tiene sentido.

Pero desafortunadamente, sólo con el tiempo…

Ultralearning: A strategy for acquiring skills and knowledge that is both self-directed and intense.

In Ultralearning: Master Hard Skills, Outsmart the Competition, and Accelerate Your Career, author Scott Young argues that learning a new talent, staying relevant, reinventing yourself, and adapting to whatever the workplace throws your way is a surefire way to becoming successful.

Ultralearning offers nine principles to master hard skills quickly.

Young incorporates the latest research about the most effective learning methods and the stories of other ultralearners like himself—among them Benjamin Franklin, chess grandmaster Judit Polgár, and Nobel laureate physicist Richard Feynman, as well as a host of others, such as little-known modern polymath Nigel Richards, who won the French World Scrabble Championship—without knowing French.

Every truth has two sides; it is as well to look at both, before we commit ourselves to either. – Aesop

The truth is the property (as of a statement) of being in accord with fact or reality. As the  King James Bible says “And You Shall Know the Truth and the Truth Shall Make You Free”. As UK former prime minister Winston Churchill once quipped “The truth is incontrovertible. Malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end, there it is.”

‘When the music changes, so must your dance.’

In less than 15 years, Elaine Welteroth has stepped into more career roles and garnered more professional accomplishments than many people do in a lifetime. She’s an award-winning editor and journalist, a New York Times – bestselling author and a television host – and she was tapped as the cultural ambassador for Michelle Obama’s When We All Vote initiative.

At 19, Elaine was appointed editor in chief of Teen Vogue (prior to that, she served as the American
magazine’s beauty director, the first Black woman to hold that role). At the time, she was the youngest person to be named editor in chief in the 100-plus year history of publishing giant
Condé Nast and she was only the second Black person to hold the position.

“ If you fear you may be in any danger or your abuser has shown violent tendencies in the past, do not confront a narcissist directly.”


In The Highly Sensitive Person’s Survival Guide to Dealing with Toxic People,
author Shahida Arabi highlights how HSPs can use their sensitivity to listen to their instincts about these con artists, rather than continually betraying your inner voice.

In The Highly Sensitive Person’s Survival Guide to Dealing with Toxic People, you’ll learn evidence-based skills grounded in cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) to help you recognize and shut down the common manipulation tactics used by toxic people, such as gaslighting, stonewalling, projection, covert put-downs, and love bombing.

“It marks a big step in your development when you come to realize that other people can help you do a better job than you could do alone.” – Andrew Carnegie

One of the recurring factors I found attributed to the success of great men and women is the value of luck. The luck of who (people, family, friend, partner, spouse, mentor, boss), where (environment) and their ability to seize the day when the opportunity presented itself. Luck they say is when opportunity meets preparedness. These individuals were at the right place at the right time. The best-selling author of Good to Great, Jim Collins talks about the concept of “Who Luck”. In a Knowledge Project Podcast session with Shane Parish, Jim said:

People think about luck as kind of “what” luck but I’ve had great “who” luck in my life. And “who” luck is when you come across somebody who changes your trajectory or invests in you, bets on you, gives you guidance and key points.

Who” luck is when you come across somebody who changes your trajectory or invests in you, bets on you, gives you guidance and key points.

The first principle is that you must not fool yourself—and you are the easiest person to fool. 

American theoretical physicist Richard Feynman delivered the commencement speech to the 1974 Caltech California Institute of Technology graduate students. He titled the speech “The Cargo Cult Science“.

I have just one wish for you—the good luck to be somewhere where you are free to maintain the kind of integrity I have described, and where you do not feel forced by a need to maintain your position in the organization, or financial support, or so on, to lose your integrity.  May you have that freedom. 

Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me.

We get what we tolerate in life, it is that simple. If you allow people to treat you unfairly because they are your family, parent, spouse, boss, or friend, the issue is not with them; it is with you. You need to set and communicate healthy boundaries with people or else they would continue to treat you in a way you do not appreciate.

Most of us think that boundaries should be common sense but it is not. Your job is to communicate with people what you would allow and what you would not allow. Your job is also to enforce the consequence of violating your boundaries. People don’t like to be told what to do, hence communicate your boundaries and if it gets violated; enforce the consequence. Boundaries without consequence is nagging. If you continue to give people the benefit of the doubt, eventually they would get the benefit and you get the doubt. 

Boundaries without consequence is nagging.

Psychological abuse leaves no bruises. There are no broken bones. There are no holes in the walls. The bruises, brokenness, and holes are held tightly within the target of the abuse.

In Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse, author and certified trauma therapist Shannon Thomas describes a roadmap for healing from hidden psychological abuse. What makes Psychological abuse challenging to explain “Psychological abuse leaves no bruises. There are no broken bones. There are no holes in the walls. The bruises, brokenness, and holes are held tightly within the target of the abuse.” Most Psychological abuse survivors don’t have the right language, insights, and strategies to navigate the roller coaster of living or dealing with someone with a personality disordered individual.

Shanon shed more light on the favorite tools of the Psychological abuser such as Gaslighting, Hoovering, use of flying monkeys, smear campaign, Intermittent Reinforcement, etc. She also explains the six stages for recovering from Psychological abuse.

The Blame Game started at the garden of Eden, Adam blamed Eve for eating the apple, Eve blamed the snake and the snake had no legs. It is human nature to blame: we blame the government, parents, childhood trauma, education system, siblings, spouse, and everybody else except ourselves. As J.K.Rowlings, author of the Harry Potter series once quipped: “There is an expiry date on blaming your parents for steering you in the wrong direction; the moment you are old enough to take the wheel, the responsibility lies with you.”

There is an expiry date for blaming everything except ourselves. Life is tough and it happens to us all; hence we have to take personal responsibility for our life at some point. We all play the blame game: we blame our spouse for the divorce, our boss for the job loss, the government for the bad economy, our parents for unresolved childhood trauma, ourselves for our mistakes.

Here are some great quotes on Blaming:

  • There is an expiry date on blaming your parents for steering you in the wrong direction; the moment you are old enough to take the wheel, responsibility lies with you. – J.K.Rowling
  • All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming him, but you won’t succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy.- Wayne Dyer
  • Blame is the demonstrated lack of self-respect choosing to deposit one’s negative actions onto others to reinforce one’s view of being of good, fair, and approved. – Byron R. Pulsifer
  • Don’t argue for other people’s weaknesses. Don’t argue for your own. When you make a mistake, admit it, correct it, and learn from it- immediately. – Stephen Covey
  •  Blaming others is nothing more than excusing yourself. – Robin Sharma
  • It’s always easy to blame others. You can spend your entire life blaming the world, but your success and failures are entirely your own responsibility. – Paulo Coelho

People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can’t find them, make them.George Bernard Shaw

  • Blaming is so much easier than taking responsibility, because if you take responsibility, then you might be to blame. -Jennifer O’Neill
  • If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month. – Theodore Roosevelt
  • You are not a failure until you start blaming others for your mistakes. – John Wooden
  • Take your life in your own hands, and what happens? A terrible thing: no one to blame. – Erica Jong
  • To find fault is easy; to do better may be difficult. – Plutarch
  • The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. – Robert Bloch
  • Your failures won’t hurt you until you start blaming them on others.– Zig Ziglar
  • He who blames others has a long way to go on his journey. He who blames himself is halfway there. He who blames no one has arrived. – Chinese Proverb
  • When you blame and criticize others, you are avoiding some truth about yourself. – Deepak Chopra
  • The search for a scapegoat is the easiest of all hunting expeditions. – Dwight Eisenhower
  • Democracy is the process by which people choose the man who’ll get the blame. – Bertrand Russell,
  • The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny.— Albert Ellis
  • People may fail many times, but they become failures only when they begin to blame someone else. Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.— Oscar Wilde
  • We reap what we sow. We are the makers of our own fate. None else has the blame, none has the praise.— Swami Vivekananda

Fix the problem, not the blame.— Japanese Proverbs

  • Blame no one, Expect nothing, Do Something – Bill Parcells
  • Blaming something else makes that something else cause; and as that cause takes on power, the individual in the same act loses control and becomes effect.– L. Ron Hubbard
  • You can get discouraged many times, but you are not a failure until you begin to blame somebody else and stop trying. – John Burroughs
  • Stop blaming other people and circumstances for killing your dreams. The truth is; we tend to talk ourselves out of acting upon our dreams. Most dreams die of suicide, not murder. — Steve Maraboli
  • Concern yourself more with accepting responsibility than with assigning blame. Let the possibilities inspire you more than the obstacles discourage you. – Ralph Marston
  • You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstance, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself. That is something you have charge of. – Jim Rohn
  • An irresponsible person is a person who makes vague promises, then breaks his word, blames it on circumstances, and expects other people to forgive it. – Ayn Rand
  • An ignorant person is inclined to blame others for his own misfortune. To blame oneself is proof of progress. But the wise man never has to blame another or himself.  – Epictetus

Life is like a camera. Focus on what’s important. Capture the good times. And if things don’t work out, just take another shot.”.

  • The search for someone to blame is always successful. – Robert Half
  • Blaming things on the past does not make them better. – Nelson Mandela

All the Best in your quest to get Better. Don’t Settle: Live with Passion.

We do not remember dayswe remember moments. The richness of life lies in memories we have forgotten.” – Cesare Pavese.

In How to Do the Work, clinical psychologist, and creator of “the holistic psychologist“, Dr. Nicole LePer offers both a manifesto for SelfHealing as well as an essential guide to creating a more vibrant, authentic, and joyful life. Dr. LePera describes how adverse experiences and trauma in childhood live with us, resulting in whole-body dysfunction—activating harmful stress responses that keep us stuck engaging in patterns of codependency, emotional immaturity, and trauma bonds. Unless addressed, these self-sabotaging behaviors can quickly become cyclical, leaving people feeling unhappy, unfulfilled, and unwell. 

It’s not that we heal and then we start living again, it’s that we make thedecision to start living again, and that’s when we start to heal.

In Out of the Fog, licensed psychotherapist, Dana Morningstar compares and contrasts healthy and unhealthy behaviors, strategies for getting out of the fog of confusion in abusive relationships, and into the clarity of building healthy relationships. Dana does a great job comparing and contrasting what a good, normal, healthy relationship is and what crazymaking, abusive, manipulative relationships look like. If you have been in a relationship with a narcissist, psychopath, sociopath, and other personality disordered individuals, you would relate to most of the behaviors and characteristics of the emotionally manipulative.